Okay, my very first post...here goes.
So here I am the most lucky and blessed woman in the world...17 weeks pregnant and feeling pretty good. The first trimester was tough but I made it through. And here I am still going...pretty amazing.
Every day is a gift and I know this after what I've gone through in the past...I try not to think negatively. But I've always been the cautious type...just trying to protect my heart I guess. Everything does feel different this time though...no problems, no worries.
My marriage is stronger than ever (gosh, we've been through so much together...how can we not be partners for life??) No one can ever fill his shoes...and I can say I feel pretty confident, he feels the same way about my shoes!!
As the seasons change...the cool brisk air, the falling leaves, the smell of autumn, I'm forced to succumb to the same nostalgia that hits me every year at this time. It's not a "bad" feeling, it's just a sweet bitterness of the thoughts of yesterday. I'm starting to feel little pokes now and then and it's a pretty good reminder that someone is along the ride with me this go round.
My whole life is about to change...and I think that thought intensifies this "feeling of nostalgia". I can't help but think of what a whirlwind my life has been. I think about all the great times and all the great disappointments, some even heartbreaking. It's funny how so much has changed, and yet so much is still the same.
I'm not sad about being pregnant...gosh, I fought too long and hard to get where I am. I just feel...I don't know...don't even have the words. Maybe I should just blame it on the hormones, right? I guess maybe I feel like I'm losing my youth...(which I actually lost a very long time ago)...but now I'm going to be some one's "momma"!!! It's all different.
I'm so scared...which is pretty normal, right...other mommies, tell me, am I right?? My life is so free now...you know? I eat when I want to eat. I sleep when I want to sleep. I bum around and watch trash TV for hours. I cuss like a sailor at any given occasion. I go shopping and spend money on myself without feeling guilty. I vacuum at 3 in the morning. I make love with the bedroom door open.
And, now, the thought of what I have been dreaming about for years, is coming true. We're going to have someone that is exclusively ours...how exquisite of a thought is that??? But am I going to lose myself...lose all the freedom I have??
I hear all these beautiful stories how becoming a mother changes you...how it's the most satisfying and exhilarating experience. And I believe them but I'm just scared right now. I haven't completely connected with this creation that's growing inside of me. I know something is going on down there and my monthly dr's visits reinforce this, but I am waiting for that moment when I am going to lose all my fears and know that everything is going to be okay...does that moment ever come?
So as September clouds me with thoughts of the past, thoughts of my youth, I am trying to look beyond to the sunshine that is promised ahead. Until then, my prayers continue for protection of this body that carries this baby and strength for this heart that carries this soul.
4 comments:
Love ur blog... don't fear... your happiness will be getting even happier :)
I LOVE YOU GUYS!!
I was worried a little about this too....and truth be told, it IS a lot harder to just get up and go and getting ready for things takes sooo much longer. But, it is so worth it! All I thought about yesterday at the end of school was how I couldn't wait to get home to see Brady.
Beautiful blog. Yes, life does change.
I didn't really connect with Nikhil until our ultrasound in November. That's when his face started filling out and he looked like a cute baby instead of an alien. That's when I knew he was real.
Enjoy the "doing whatever you want when you want." You won't have that, but you won't be sorry either. Even when I do escape for "alone" shopping time I think about Nikhil and how much I miss him. I remember at the beginning when he was hungry all the time and I could hardly get a minute to brush my teeth or even eat (which, my God, I love to do!). I would get close to a breaking point and then I would see his little eyes looking up at me and realize that it was going to be ok and that I had been waiting a long time for this little guy.
Todd was also an enormous help and still is. While I want to be "SUPERMOM" he reminds me over and over again that I don't need to be and at 3 in the morning he gently tells me, "Sleep honey, it's my turn." I have finally gotten to the point where I can now sleep guilt free!
Family helps too -- Jennifer has been a real life saver! So have Mom, Dad, Liz and Rosey Aunty.
(Did I write enough? Should I start my own blog?)
Just take it all one day at a time and give yourself lots of time and grace.
Love ya!
Jamie
Well put.
Totally get the same way when Autumn arrives.
The fact that you are having all these thoughts is going to make you a kick ass mom. The women who don't ever ask the questions you're asking or that are not concerned with dragging thier child everywhere and anywhere are the ones that need some help. (for real yo')
Jodi's right. It is a lot harder but so worth it. I know, I know, yes I am pretty strict w/princess. However, that doesn't mean that I don't enjoy or spoil her. The past few days we've had a family picnic/tea time w/Radha. Then we do arts and crafts. The TV has not been on for 3 days. When she woke up Sunday all she wanted to do was arts and crafts, not watch Highsical Musical. : )
We all change.Keeping your identity is hard. Not going to lie. But I think you and D are ready for some "good, healthy" chaos. Let the games begin.
Why is there a picture of me??? I look like a boy!!!!!
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