Gladys, my sister

This past weekend was a sweet memorable time for me. My mom and baby sister, Gladys, came down and we got to spend a lot of laying around, doing nothing, quality time together. It was so great...so satisfying...so comforting. I sometimes forget how lucky I am to have such loved ones around me. I know I will never say, "I am alone" in my lifetime, which is such a reassuring thought since I know so many people say this everyday. Gladys has been working weekends for so long that I forgot what it felt like to just "hang out" with her. We are so very different but yet so alike. She may come off as being aloof and spacy at times, but if you look deeper you will see a heart of gold. This past weekend made me think of earlier years when Gladys was younger. She adored me...she was the cutest, sweetest little girl I knew. I thought with age all this was gone forever but I realized that although she has grown and changed, she's still the same little Gladys I fell in love with many years ago. We're connected on so many levels and if there is anyone whose soul is identical to mine it is hers. I love you, sis...I hope she knows this always and forever. And thank you, mom and dad, for bringing her into my life.

(Glady, don't forget you'll always get to say you were the first to feel your niece/nephew move inside their momma's tummy!!)

Autumn arrives...

Okay, my very first post...here goes.

So here I am the most lucky and blessed woman in the world...17 weeks pregnant and feeling pretty good. The first trimester was tough but I made it through. And here I am still going...pretty amazing.

Every day is a gift and I know this after what I've gone through in the past...I try not to think negatively. But I've always been the cautious type...just trying to protect my heart I guess. Everything does feel different this time though...no problems, no worries.

My marriage is stronger than ever (gosh, we've been through so much together...how can we not be partners for life??) No one can ever fill his shoes...and I can say I feel pretty confident, he feels the same way about my shoes!!

As the seasons change...the cool brisk air, the falling leaves, the smell of autumn, I'm forced to succumb to the same nostalgia that hits me every year at this time. It's not a "bad" feeling, it's just a sweet bitterness of the thoughts of yesterday. I'm starting to feel little pokes now and then and it's a pretty good reminder that someone is along the ride with me this go round.

My whole life is about to change...and I think that thought intensifies this "feeling of nostalgia". I can't help but think of what a whirlwind my life has been. I think about all the great times and all the great disappointments, some even heartbreaking. It's funny how so much has changed, and yet so much is still the same.

I'm not sad about being pregnant...gosh, I fought too long and hard to get where I am. I just feel...I don't know...don't even have the words. Maybe I should just blame it on the hormones, right? I guess maybe I feel like I'm losing my youth...(which I actually lost a very long time ago)...but now I'm going to be some one's "momma"!!! It's all different.

I'm so scared...which is pretty normal, right...other mommies, tell me, am I right?? My life is so free now...you know? I eat when I want to eat. I sleep when I want to sleep. I bum around and watch trash TV for hours. I cuss like a sailor at any given occasion. I go shopping and spend money on myself without feeling guilty. I vacuum at 3 in the morning. I make love with the bedroom door open.

And, now, the thought of what I have been dreaming about for years, is coming true. We're going to have someone that is exclusively ours...how exquisite of a thought is that??? But am I going to lose myself...lose all the freedom I have??

I hear all these beautiful stories how becoming a mother changes you...how it's the most satisfying and exhilarating experience. And I believe them but I'm just scared right now. I haven't completely connected with this creation that's growing inside of me. I know something is going on down there and my monthly dr's visits reinforce this, but I am waiting for that moment when I am going to lose all my fears and know that everything is going to be okay...does that moment ever come?

So as September clouds me with thoughts of the past, thoughts of my youth, I am trying to look beyond to the sunshine that is promised ahead. Until then, my prayers continue for protection of this body that carries this baby and strength for this heart that carries this soul.